Small Town Satire: A DROP DEAD GORGEOUS review

DROP DEAD GORGEOUS (1999) is the most under-appreciated comedy movie of the 1990s. It is a note perfect mockumentary of a ridiculous small town beauty pageant, featuring great performances from actresses we don’t usually think of that way (Denise Richards and Kirstie Alley,) and from actresses that went on to excel (Allison Janney, Amy Adams). Even though it’s a movie about a small town mom murdering beauty pageant contestants filled with infantile jokes about masturbation,eating disorders, and getting hit in the crotch, even though it ends with a montage of beauty queens vomiting, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS is filled with subtle (sorta) details that make every joke in it better, like the dog sweaters worn by German Shepard obsessed contestant Jenelle Betz and the gross sweaty expressions on the face of contest judge John Dough when he watches “the young girls.”

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Small Town Satire: A DROP DEAD GORGEOUS review

Providing Padding to the Yobbos: A Review of 1993’s HOCUS POCUS

I first saw Hocus Pocus as a fourteen-year-old boy when it came out in 1993, and I was unimpressed by every aspect of it except for Sarah Jessica Parker’s witch cleavage. But I know the movie has since then somehow attained cult classic status, and was even shown at the Alamo on Halloween. So what did I miss back then, when teenage me was busy stating at SJP’s “yobbos,” as this Disney movie refers to them?  Is Hocus Pocus really equivalent to the stop motion Rudolph movie? I wanted to find out, so this time I went in open minded, looking for the hidden gems that have elevated this movie to stand alongside the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the Nightmare Before Christmas.

I still have no idea where those gems are. Maybe providing padding to the yobbos?

Continue reading “Providing Padding to the Yobbos: A Review of 1993’s HOCUS POCUS”

Providing Padding to the Yobbos: A Review of 1993’s HOCUS POCUS

A Review of Allan King’s A MARRIED COUPLE; or, a Documentary About an Unrelateable, Crumbling Marriage

If you know going in that A Married Couple (1969) is a part of the Criterion Collection’s Eclipse Series and is a documentary that follows the relationship struggles of a real married couple in sixties Toronto, you expect an almost-too-raw, emotional portrayal of real people.  What you get instead is a jackass in red bikini briefs hamming it up for the camera, nude family vacations,  and a sudden disregard for sixties nostalgia. The movie, directed by Allen King, follows 40-something ad copy writer  Billy Edwards and his brassy, decade younger wife Antoinette, and their struggling marriage.

Continue reading “A Review of Allan King’s A MARRIED COUPLE; or, a Documentary About an Unrelateable, Crumbling Marriage”

A Review of Allan King’s A MARRIED COUPLE; or, a Documentary About an Unrelateable, Crumbling Marriage

I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog! Monty Reviews 1951’s ACE IN THE HOLE

Ten minutes in, all viewers of Ace in the Hole (1951) know two things:

1)Kirk Douglas’s ego maniacal newspaper reporter Chuck Tatum is an unrepentant asshole

2) It doesn’t matter, because he’s also the coolest goddamn person in the world.

Continue reading “I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog! Monty Reviews 1951’s ACE IN THE HOLE”

I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog! Monty Reviews 1951’s ACE IN THE HOLE

Sweat Muscle Rampage With a First Hour of Family Values Foreplay: Monty Reviews 1987’s OVER THE TOP

45 minutes of the last hour of Sylvester Stallone’s arm-wrestling/trucker/fatherhood flick Over the Top is taken up with huge, sweat covered men screaming in each others faces while trying to tear each others arms off. But you know what?

IT’S NOT ENOUGH.

Continue reading “Sweat Muscle Rampage With a First Hour of Family Values Foreplay: Monty Reviews 1987’s OVER THE TOP”

Sweat Muscle Rampage With a First Hour of Family Values Foreplay: Monty Reviews 1987’s OVER THE TOP

Punching a Camel and Oil-Soaked Bosoms; Monty’s Childhood Discussion on Schwarzenegger’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian

I can’t review Conan the Barbarian. That’s the first thing I told Andy when he suggested I write this, and it’s still true. I’ve seen Conan the Barbarian (1981) 80 million times clutching plastic or wooden facsimiles of medieval weaponry, and so has everyone I know. If you were a rural mountaintop dwelling, 20-sided die rolling, comic book reading, fantasy fiction obsessed boy in the 80’s who knew lots of things about plate mail before he knew even one thing about unhooking a bra strap, you can’t review Conan the Barbarian. I’ve seen the movie so often that it has congealed in my brain into a bunch of quotes about steel, Arnold punching a camel in the face that one time, and endless heaving oil soaked bosoms (some of which belong to Conan). I can’t review Conan the Barbarian or believe there could be someone who hasn’t seen it who is willing to sit through a 35-year-old fantasy movie starring the former Governor of California. However, like Crom (strong on his mountain), I am going to try (mainly out of fear of Andy and his wife. THEY HAVE TATTOOS). Continue reading “Punching a Camel and Oil-Soaked Bosoms; Monty’s Childhood Discussion on Schwarzenegger’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian”

Punching a Camel and Oil-Soaked Bosoms; Monty’s Childhood Discussion on Schwarzenegger’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian