I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog! Monty Reviews 1951’s ACE IN THE HOLE

Ten minutes in, all viewers of Ace in the Hole (1951) know two things:

1)Kirk Douglas’s ego maniacal newspaper reporter Chuck Tatum is an unrepentant asshole

2) It doesn’t matter, because he’s also the coolest goddamn person in the world.

Continue reading “I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog! Monty Reviews 1951’s ACE IN THE HOLE”

I can handle big news and little news. And if there’s no news, I’ll go out and bite a dog! Monty Reviews 1951’s ACE IN THE HOLE

Sweat Muscle Rampage With a First Hour of Family Values Foreplay: Monty Reviews 1987’s OVER THE TOP

45 minutes of the last hour of Sylvester Stallone’s arm-wrestling/trucker/fatherhood flick Over the Top is taken up with huge, sweat covered men screaming in each others faces while trying to tear each others arms off. But you know what?

IT’S NOT ENOUGH.

Continue reading “Sweat Muscle Rampage With a First Hour of Family Values Foreplay: Monty Reviews 1987’s OVER THE TOP”

Sweat Muscle Rampage With a First Hour of Family Values Foreplay: Monty Reviews 1987’s OVER THE TOP

Punching a Camel and Oil-Soaked Bosoms; Monty’s Childhood Discussion on Schwarzenegger’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian

I can’t review Conan the Barbarian. That’s the first thing I told Andy when he suggested I write this, and it’s still true. I’ve seen Conan the Barbarian (1981) 80 million times clutching plastic or wooden facsimiles of medieval weaponry, and so has everyone I know. If you were a rural mountaintop dwelling, 20-sided die rolling, comic book reading, fantasy fiction obsessed boy in the 80’s who knew lots of things about plate mail before he knew even one thing about unhooking a bra strap, you can’t review Conan the Barbarian. I’ve seen the movie so often that it has congealed in my brain into a bunch of quotes about steel, Arnold punching a camel in the face that one time, and endless heaving oil soaked bosoms (some of which belong to Conan). I can’t review Conan the Barbarian or believe there could be someone who hasn’t seen it who is willing to sit through a 35-year-old fantasy movie starring the former Governor of California. However, like Crom (strong on his mountain), I am going to try (mainly out of fear of Andy and his wife. THEY HAVE TATTOOS). Continue reading “Punching a Camel and Oil-Soaked Bosoms; Monty’s Childhood Discussion on Schwarzenegger’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian”

Punching a Camel and Oil-Soaked Bosoms; Monty’s Childhood Discussion on Schwarzenegger’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian