Exists: It’s Getting Squatchy Up in Here (this was a tough one, guys…)

In my tender years I once saw a TV show, probably narrated by Leonard Nimoy or the like, on Bigfoot. I learned some very important Sasquatch facts. One that has stuck with me is that Bigfoot digs the ladies. Bigfoot hunters would hang bags of used ‘lady products’ in trees to lure him in. Sweet baby Jesus! I was a girl! One day I would be a woman! I Peter Panned hard for a few years trying not to grow up for fear I would never be able to set foot outside again. I solemnly swore that if I ever ‘menstruated’ (I had to ask my mom what exactly that meant) I would hole up in a bunker until it passed. I would not be responsible for unwittingly drawing Bigfoot out of the wilds putting myself and my family in harm’s way. True story.

Exists may not have touched on the finer points of feminine hygiene products, but it drove home the fact that I used to be concerned as all hell about Bigfoot. With good reason…

Our movie opens up with a car full of attractive young people in the boonies of Texas. The two brothers have stolen Uncle Bob’s keys to the huntin’ cabin. Fun! I should mention at this point that this movie was filmed in that mostly annoying found footage, motion sickness inducing first person camera style. I’m fairly certain ‘someone’ got a rather hefty Go Pro kickback…

As our fun loving band of merry-makers traverse the ominous backroads to the cabin, they hit something that runs out of the woods. Gasp! Hair, blood and regret are somewhat stereo-typically smeared all over the front bumper. Something in the woods makes a mournful ruckus. This seems to unnerve our young protagonists. I’m here to tell you, I live in the woods on a farm. Horny bulls make scarier noises than whatever this creature is.

Someone at the beginning of the film, it may have been the camera happy third-person referring bro, Brian, alludes to the fact that Uncle Bob abandoned his cabin because he ‘saw’ something years ago. Okaaaaaaaay. It is also discussed at some point that Bigfoot only acts with hostility if he’s done wrong. What? Surely being hit with a car wouldn’t piss off Bigfoot! Or would it?

The road to the cabin is obstructed. Shocking! They have to abandon the car and walk-but it’s dark and something is wailing! Shit’s about to go down. The cabin is a hot mess. Teen angst ensues…

So, they are screwed. They freak out and go back to the car. Good night. The next morning, they make the best of the shit-storm and they have fun by the river. Another Go Pro commercial that chatty bro, Brian is pretty sure is going to be the hottest YouTube video ever happens.

At this point, I may have blacked out. The herky jerky camera action may have caused an epileptic seizure, I can’t be sure. When I came to, the friends are being picked off one by one. Oh, and it’s firmly established that Bigfoot is the culprit. That mo-fo can move! Maybe there’s something about foot size being proportional to stalking speed, but holy shit! It seems that Bigfoot destroyed the abandoned car, one of the brothers takes off on a bike to find help, and Bigfoot kicks his ass and throws his bike up on the cabin porch as a warning.

In a berserker rage, Bigfoot goes apeshit on the cabin. It’s pretty clear that he’s out for blood. BUT WHY? Bike riding brother was a mere amuse bouche, bring on the main course! One by one they fall. No cell service. No help.

When three are left standing, one girl and two guys (YES camera happy bro is still with us. How in the hell do you think we would be able to see all of this sweet action otherwise?) set off on foot. Bigfoot follows. More screaming-but it’s HUMAN. Bike riding brother is alive! Oh My Gawd! Save him! They do! Yeeessss…

Being quite savvy, Bigfoot flushes the bedraggled friends into an old camper. He proceeds to push it over an embankment-I shit you not. Everyone is dead. Shit, nope. Go Pro Boy is still with us. Sigh. OK-so he runs. Uncle Bob shows up. He shoots Bigfoot! Are you people not following along? Stop pissing off Bigfoot! Bob goes down like a rag doll. Buh-bye, Bob…

I am going to cut to the chase. Brian finds his friends…eventually. As assumed, everyone is dead. Fly buzzing dead. The Go Pro pans to a shallow grave. Nuh uh. Dead baby Bigfoot! NOoooooooOOOOooooo! THAT is why Papa Bigfoot was pissed. Well, no damn wonder.

I am not sure that a found footage film makes for the best review. I was all over the place and the camera work annoyed the hell outta me. If you like that kinda thing, by all means, see it. It’s not a horrible movie, but all the jiggly wobbling shit detracts.

Hardcore Squatch fans might rejoice-unless they suffer from motion sickness-then they might just barf…

i live in a ‘cabin in the woods’ with my two dogs. it’s usually pretty quiet except for ‘the birds’ and if i leave them ‘alone in the dark’, then there is ‘the howling’. i once solicited an ‘exorcist’, but ’28 days later’, ‘it came back’. i guess ‘it follows’. i’m single and kind of a ‘hellraiser’, but one day i hope to ‘let the right one in’…
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Exists: It’s Getting Squatchy Up in Here (this was a tough one, guys…)

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